Monday, January 3, 2011

Stuck With Me

No doubt the two biggest part of my year was coping with death and meeting a new guy. This I tell you is a bad combination even in the best cases. When you lose someone there is that hole in your heart/life. You feel that you are missing something or someone. You feel a lot of pain and you just want that pain gone. You become vulnerable; you become hurt, upset, sad and other emotions that are associated with grieving. There is a big reason that they say when someone dies or when you just get out of a divorce you shouldn’t jump right into dating. It’s because you need time to yourself. You need time to heal and you need time to let yourself go through all those emotions and learn that you are fine. That you are fine by yourself and although having someone there is amazing, you can also stand on your own. Not surprising, I’m not the best griever not that there is a best way to grieve. I would not say I grieved in the worst way but I grieved pretty badly. I didn’t grieve. Not surprising, I didn’t give myself time to let my emotions show. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to look at it as if nothing has to change and life just has to stay normal. I didn’t talk about it enough. How could I not talk about something so major and life changing with the people around me? I didn’t grieve. What made it worse was that I met someone and that made it even easier for someone like me who already didn’t want to acknowledge my situation to not. Meeting him gave me something to be excited about in a time when I was not that excited about much. I became so open to him so quickly. I told him things about me that I normally would not have told someone I just met. It became my gateway to excitement. I’ve met a lot of great people in my life so it wasn’t because I met someone great. He just happened to come at a time when I felt empty and he filled that emptiness. That wasn’t his hole to fill though. When we lose people, no one else can replace them we just learn to move on. By him sort of filling in and taking away some of that pain, I got attached to him more than I should have. He’s a great guy but for a guy who didn’t even show me as much affection and didn’t even want the same things I wanted, I normally would not have gotten so attached. Now he is no longer mine not that he was ever really all mine but now he has moved on. Now that hole he was filling has gotten so much bigger and in many ways I now have to grieve doubly. I’m learning to take things slow and realize that even though I like to be strong. Even though I hate to be that girl that’s hurt over a guy, that’s just what I have to be right now. It doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t make me pathetic. In fact it makes me human. I’m learning to let go of all the mistakes I made with him such as not letting him go sooner. I realize now that it’s not my fault that he wasn’t open-minded enough to me. I’m ready to move on but this time I’ll let that happen slowly. And I will tell myself that no it does not make me pathetic. It means that I am human and I was vulnerable and a little unlucky on my part, that I met someone that did not want the same things I wanted. It bothers me that he wasn’t open-minded enough to some ideas but I just have to remember that the only person you can change is yourself.
In 2011, I hope I get back to myself again. Meaning, I pray to have been healed from the death and to have moved on from him. I know that if these two things happen well then everything else will fall into place with how I handled things before 2010. If a new guy comes along I will handle it and have the right mindset as I did before. This time I’ll make better decisions and stick to it.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Year in News

Here are most searched news of 2010 according to Google. 2010 went by so fast I can't even believe how fast it went for me.
A Year of Crisis
There was the European debt crisis, the high unemployment rates, the Thailand political crisis.  Sadly I didn't hear much about the Thailand crisis but here is the wiki link here (not wikileaks lol).

A Year of Achievements

The one that stands out most to me is the first full facial transplant. On March  20, 2010, a team of 30 Spanish doctors carried out the first full face transplant on a man injured in a shooting accident.

The 31-year-old was unable to eat, speak or breathe normally since he was disfigured in a gun accident in 2005. The operation enabled him to eat soft foods, drink liquids and to shave again. Read more:
A Year of Tragedy
There was the Gulf Oil Spill. It seemed like this was on the news forever. I'm just glad the spill is over and I hope the recovery is going good. There was the floods in Pakistan, China earthquake and Chile earthquake. Who can also forget the Haiti earthquake?

A Year of Milestones
The end of combat mission in Iraq. Costa Rica elects first woman president and so did Brazil. (When is our turn Nigeria)

A Year of Goodbyes
We said goodbye to JD Salinger, the author of the Catcher in the Rye (one of my fav books). Goodbye to Alexander McQueen, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman and countless others including someone very close to me. That is life, it's full of goodbyes and hellos.

A Year of  Hellos
Hello to South Africa! This World Cup was amazing and it was the first one in Africa. There was the vuvuzelas that made headlines for their sound. The music was great and so was the African spirit. A special thanks to Ghana for making us all proud. I'm still disappointed at the way they went out but I'm so proud of their effort. Oh and Tshabalala! Don't ask why but his name was fun to say. 

A Year of Surprises
The Bed Intruder (everyone better had watch this video by now), The Chilean miners safe rescue, Wikileaks, and so much more.

2010 definitely had character.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Back to the Start

I guess I'm back.
I always seem to leave this place as I get close to establishing myself.
I'm sorry I left so abruptly
I'm not sure why I left
But I know why I'm back

Monday, May 10, 2010

My Grass is Green

How much time flies. My first year of college is over and wow! what? It feels like yesterday. I remember starting this blog at the end of the summer and having to abandon it because school was a handful. I really wanted to devote some time to blogging and give it a full shot. I'm so glad I did because even though I might not write as much as I want to, I am grateful to be part of this blogging community.
Roommates - Freshmen usually get crappy rooms but mine was really nice even though I had more than one roommate. My roommates drank every Thursday night to Saturday night, smoked weed which was really annoying because of the smell. I complained to them so they didn't do it as much in the room which was fine with me. I didn't care that they smoked, I just didn't want to deal with the smell. They also experimented with drugs I know they did ecstasy a couple of times. I only take pills when I really really have to so I didn't really understand why people would do drugs that are dangerous for them when they didn't have to. My roommates were also dirty. Damn I didn't know that girls could be so dirty. The bathroom was gross, the trash would stink and the fridge smelled rotten. Now that I think about it I don't know how I survived them. The crazy thing is that I'm going to miss not rooming with them next year. They had their faults but I found them really interesting.I didn't talk much to them but I listened a lot and I have a better perspective on white people in general. As a college student my grades are not as not as great as they were before college but I've learned sooo much more than just grades. I might have to do a whole 'nother post on white people and what I've learned about them this past year. For now, here's a song lyric by Macy Gray that relates to how I feel.

Someone once told me the grass is much greener
On the other side

And I paid a visit
well, it's possible I missed it
It seemed different, yet exactly the same (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Til further notice (til further notice)
I'm in-between (i'm in between)
From where I'm standing (from where in standing)
My grass is green

Someone once told me the grass is much greener
On the other side

PS: How do you know if you have chicken pox? That might sound stupid but I've never had chicken pox and I have a couple of itchy rashy looking thing on my back. It's probably just heat rash but my mom didn't get chicken pox till she was 19 so I feel like I can still get it. Do you guys remember your CP experience? How was it? I know my mom said it was horrible and she even had to shave off her hair. I hope I never get it but then again maybe that's a bad thing lol

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Relieved? Yes

Exams? Done. Sleep? Deprived. Clothes? Packed.
I can't believe how fast this school year went. I'm going home tomorrow and I will probably hibernate in my room for a week to destress. I will also be back to fully blogging.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ten Things I Love

I was tagged by Myne to write ten things I love so here it goes.

Words, Quotes and Proverbs - I love words. They have so much power. When I speak I like using different words. I've also lived and have been influenced by different environments which sometimes effs up my writing but makes my speaking great. You might catch me speaking American English, British English, Yoruba, Spanish, Spanglish, US street talk, Pidgen etc. I guess u can call me multilingual. I also love quotes. My fav. being Nietzsche's quote "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" or as I say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I also can't get enough of proverbs...

School - Call me a geek but I love school. It's not my fault it has always been a major part of my life. Lately we have a love hate relationship. The amount of work I get lately is ridi-culous!

Names - I love names! one of my favorite Yoruba proverbs says, Ile lan wo kato somo loruko - we look at he house/family before we name the child. I don't understand when people give their children names that they just randomly choose because it sounds nice or they wanna be "unique." Abeg name your child something that means something to you. I don't mean you have to go as far as our presido's father naming him Goodluck because he thought his son was lucky. Even if you name your child Adam, let it mean something like maybe it was your grandpa's name or maybe Adam means something special to you from the bible. Hope u get the point.

Cake - I have the wildest sweet tooth and cake is just one thing I can never get enough of.

Weddings - Gosh I just love weddings! I love hearing their stories, how they met, the proposal then the wedding itself. I love seeing the traditional wedding which personally I think is more beautiful and the standard which is also beautiful.

Music - Life couldn't be the same for me without music.

My laptop - I'm addicted to my laptop. When I use anyone else's computer I get paralyzed. You would think I didn't know how to use a computer. Me and my laptop belong together.

Checking out women - I am not a lesbian! I just admire women. I don't know when this uncanny habit began but I know that I do it. One day my friend caught me staring at her boobs and I knew I was staring at them but I was admiring them because well, I thought she was kinda flatchested until she wore a low top that day and I realized that she wasn't. I also look at boobs to compare the different shapes and sizes. I also love to look at women's outfits and pick out what I love and don't. Trust me I'm not gay. 100% into men but I still don't mind admiring something good when I see it. Male or female.

Knowledge Junkie - I am on my way to becoming a knowledge junkie if there was such a thing. I know a bunch of stupid crap. I google the most random people and learn about them. It never hurts to learn right?

Blogging - I love to blog! I'm so happy that I took that step from being a silent creeping reader to having my own blog. I love this community. I love it so much that staying away for the next 2 weeks is gonna be hard. But I have to get my academics in order since the school year is ending.
Adios Amigos.

I tag...... 2cute4u, NakedSha, NBB, Neefemi, Rene, Mwajim Al and anyone else who wants to do this. Sorry I'm in a hurry and can't individually link your names to your blogs.

Friday, April 16, 2010

This Type Love

Ever watched something and thought, wow I wish that was about me. Or read something and wished you had written it? Well this makes me feel that way everytime so I want to share with you all in case you haven't seen him. Here is a poet, Shihan, on Def Jam Poetry. Watch it and be amazed. Also check out his other videos, they're all good.

I want a love like
Me thinking of you
Thinking of me thinking of you type love
Or me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself
About how I feel about you type love
Or hating how jealous you are
But loving how much you want me all to yourself type love
Or see how your first name just sound so good next to my last name
And shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you
And I barely made it out of my garage

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep
And wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type love
Or who loves the other more
Or what she’s doing this exact moment
Or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts
Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good
Could hurt so much when she’s not there
And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type love
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
All around the how she she never forgets how much I love her type love
And not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type love
And hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel

And I want to deal with my friends making fun of me
The way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love
Only difference is, this is one of those real love type loves
And just like in high school
I want to spend hours on the phone not saying shit
And then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me
And smell her all up in my covers type love
I want to try counting the ways I love her
And lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over again
And I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries
Even though they ain’t really anniversaries
But doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type love
And, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays
When none of us dialed into it type love
And talk to you until I lose my breathe
She leaves me breathless
But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan
To something allows me to talk to her longer
‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves
And I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time
To love you as long as I’d like to type love
And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter
Just thinking about how strong this love is type love
And I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
Maybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustache
But it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for her

And check this, I kind of feel comfortable now
So I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light
Just dying to get hit by a car
Just so I could lose my memory
Get transported to some third world country just to get treated
Then somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with you
In a different language and see if it still feels the same type love
I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is
But I’m married, so she’s gonna be the one I share this love with

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