Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Always

I try so hard to not
To not think of you and of us
What we could be but what we will never be
My heart can't seem to ever stop wanting you
I feel like you wanted me too but you were just scared
But then I don't know if the way you felt about me is just something I've made up in my mind
You don't make it easy to stop caring about you
You're still the same person that I care for maybe even a better person than before
I try so hard to not think of a "us"
I try to be mean and rude to you, hoping that it will make the feelings go away
It doesn't.
It just makes me feel bad later that I was like that to you
I try not to be friends but it never works because if there can't be a "us" I still don't want to lose you
You're too great to not have you in my life at all
And sometimes I wonder if that's the same way you feel about me or if it's just what I've made up in my mind.
If you feel the same way as I do then we should both be remorseful.
We were both being cowards.
If we both had enough courage who knows what beautiful thing we could have right now.
I always knew if there was ever going to be a "us" it would never come easy.
I knew we would have to fight a lot things to have it.
I guess we both weren't brave enough to fight the fight.
Instead we settled to being friends but it cost us a lot.
But maybe I'm just making this all up in my mind.
Maybe you don't even feel anything for me other than being friends.
Maybe when you look in my eyes you just see a great friend.
But when I look into your eyes I see that and more.
I see a what could have been. I see someone incredible which my heart beats faster for but my lips aren't strong enough to describe those feelings to.
Sometimes I wish I have what you have now.
It's not even fair.
You've found love.
I find it difficult to see how that could be the love for you.
All I know is that it might be great love but it can never amount to anything that we could have had.
My heart is heavy because I know what will never be.
I sometimes say these subliminal remarks to you that you're not special, etc
But it's out of hurt
Because I wish you were my special someone
But I know it won't be...
We're courageous people but not when it comes to our hearts
We don't wear our hearts on our sleeves
We lost a lot but it feels like I've lost more
Which is why I sometimes get upset at you
You've found love that might not be as great as ours could have been but is still great
I may never or maybe I will and It won't satisfy me because I'll compare it to the "us" that isn't
Then I think to myself that maybe you never even had feelings for me
This also gets me angry at you
I think about how I feel strongly about you and there's not even an ounce of that for me from you.
Then I wish we were at least brave enough to talk openly about feelings or no feelings
I wish I knew so that at least I know that it wasn't just me or that it was just me
It hurts either way.
I guess you're that part of me that's difficult to control or I guess controllable
You'll continue to be my weakness until I volunteer my heart to be open to tell you how I feel
But if my heart is ready to speak but yours is still closed up then we won't be able to talk openly
For now till then, I stay hurt and tied and you continue to be my weakness.



Macy Gray's "I Try" on repeat while I'm writing this. You'll probably think I'm odd and give me that look for listening to this but I love it when you do that.

This is something I wrote a while back when I was feeling some type of way. I was reading on someone's blog about how we'll feel when we look back on what we wrote when we were younger. I went back and read some of my writings and found this. Silly high school love. We're still friends and he's a great person but looking back now, we wouldn't work. It's sort of choppy but I was just writing how I felt and didn't really care about writing coherently.

Lol at everyone's take on the Nigerian terrorist. Much have been said and I don't really have much to add just a sad and terrible situation overall.

Monday, December 21, 2009

My Music in '09

As the year is ending, I’ve got a lot of things on my mind. Oh man D’banj is still the sexiest Nigerian artist out there. Like the guy just screams sex appeal to me. He knows how to entertain. I still haven’t listened to 9ice’s new songs. I guess I have a feeling it won’t be good as the last so I’m trying to avoid it for a while. This year hasn’t been the easiest year for me but thank God for Asa’s song “Jailer” for getting me through some of my rebellious moments. 2face keeps losing my interest but oh my P-Square is no doubt my favorite Igbo guys. It seems like all their songs are just too much. Honoroble mention this year goes to M.I. and Wande Coal. My song for the year though is actually not by a Nigerian artist. It’s Rihanna’s “Russian Roulette.” It’s not my favorite song of the year but if I had to pick a song that sums up my feeling this year it would be that song. This year was pretty intense for me with some serious family issues that really felt like an explosive game of Russian roulette. My heart was beating, you could see it through my chest, I was terrified but I didn’t leave. I pulled the trigger as my life flashed through my eyes. Well I’m still here and you know how Russian roulette goes. But you should have seen my heart beating…
My favorite artist of the year undoubtedly is K’naan. I actually discovered him some years ago when I was reading someone’s blog and his video “Struggling” was posted. I was curious to see the interpretation of struggling in other parts of Africa so I clicked on the video. I fell in love with his music and I’ve been hooked since then. I would listen to his album, “the Dusty Foot Philosopher” everyday on my way from school. This year his album “Troubadour” came out and he didn’t disappoint.
So this post was supposed to be me reflecting on 2009 but somehow it turned to music. Lol. I guess it’s still somewhat of a reflection. I’m still tryna get back on this blogging flow but I’m discovering some wonderful blogs along the way.

Somalia


15 Minutes Away (all Nigerians should relate to this song about Western Union) :)

Back From Long Vacation

Hello Bloggsville!!! I hope you haven't completely forgotten about me. If you have I'm sorry abeg accept my apology. Don't blame me too much it's the college life that got to me. My last post was the day before my semester started and now my semester has ended. Time Flies! As for my last post no one named the right city. I kinda don't even wanna say what city I'm in anymore it's somewhere in the east coast of America though lol.
For those new to my blog and for those whose memories need some refreshing, my name is Suru. I'm now a freshman in a university in the US. I'm a Nigerian and was raised there for a little more than half my life. So yeah that's enough about me for now.
Yikes! I know I’m gonna have so many blogs to read and catch up on.
College has been a blast! I have some crazy stories that I'm excited to tell. Types of stories I hope my mom never finds out about because she'll be too shocked. But don't worry they’re mostly about other people not me. I've been a good girl hehe.
I can’t believe the year is ending! Last year I wrote a year-end reflection letter to myself and I think everyone should do the same this year. I really don’t know what to blog about lol. It’s kind of a weird feeling starting this thing again especially since I had only being on here for a couple of months before I started school.
Random Ish I guess…
Currently listening to Beyonce’s “Flaws and All”
Thinking about starting a business, it’s ambitious but doable, but I’m young so I hope I’m taken seriously.
In a melancholy mood and have a minor headache.
Met a guy yesterday, he got my number hasn’t text me which is a first for me I guess I got a tiny taste of my own medicine of breaking hearts. That’s not why I’m feeling melancholy btw. lol
I really, really wanna go to London actually Nigeria but I’ve settled for London right now since the ticket is cheaper… maybe during spring break.
Hmm I guess my mood is affecting my post. It feels like a drag so I’m just gonna end it here and go read some of your posts. Maybe that will cheer me up.
Anyways Bloggsville I’M BACK and here to stay. How is everyone? Did anyone else experience a snowstorm or anything interesting lately? lol

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