Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Always

I try so hard to not
To not think of you and of us
What we could be but what we will never be
My heart can't seem to ever stop wanting you
I feel like you wanted me too but you were just scared
But then I don't know if the way you felt about me is just something I've made up in my mind
You don't make it easy to stop caring about you
You're still the same person that I care for maybe even a better person than before
I try so hard to not think of a "us"
I try to be mean and rude to you, hoping that it will make the feelings go away
It doesn't.
It just makes me feel bad later that I was like that to you
I try not to be friends but it never works because if there can't be a "us" I still don't want to lose you
You're too great to not have you in my life at all
And sometimes I wonder if that's the same way you feel about me or if it's just what I've made up in my mind.
If you feel the same way as I do then we should both be remorseful.
We were both being cowards.
If we both had enough courage who knows what beautiful thing we could have right now.
I always knew if there was ever going to be a "us" it would never come easy.
I knew we would have to fight a lot things to have it.
I guess we both weren't brave enough to fight the fight.
Instead we settled to being friends but it cost us a lot.
But maybe I'm just making this all up in my mind.
Maybe you don't even feel anything for me other than being friends.
Maybe when you look in my eyes you just see a great friend.
But when I look into your eyes I see that and more.
I see a what could have been. I see someone incredible which my heart beats faster for but my lips aren't strong enough to describe those feelings to.
Sometimes I wish I have what you have now.
It's not even fair.
You've found love.
I find it difficult to see how that could be the love for you.
All I know is that it might be great love but it can never amount to anything that we could have had.
My heart is heavy because I know what will never be.
I sometimes say these subliminal remarks to you that you're not special, etc
But it's out of hurt
Because I wish you were my special someone
But I know it won't be...
We're courageous people but not when it comes to our hearts
We don't wear our hearts on our sleeves
We lost a lot but it feels like I've lost more
Which is why I sometimes get upset at you
You've found love that might not be as great as ours could have been but is still great
I may never or maybe I will and It won't satisfy me because I'll compare it to the "us" that isn't
Then I think to myself that maybe you never even had feelings for me
This also gets me angry at you
I think about how I feel strongly about you and there's not even an ounce of that for me from you.
Then I wish we were at least brave enough to talk openly about feelings or no feelings
I wish I knew so that at least I know that it wasn't just me or that it was just me
It hurts either way.
I guess you're that part of me that's difficult to control or I guess controllable
You'll continue to be my weakness until I volunteer my heart to be open to tell you how I feel
But if my heart is ready to speak but yours is still closed up then we won't be able to talk openly
For now till then, I stay hurt and tied and you continue to be my weakness.



Macy Gray's "I Try" on repeat while I'm writing this. You'll probably think I'm odd and give me that look for listening to this but I love it when you do that.

This is something I wrote a while back when I was feeling some type of way. I was reading on someone's blog about how we'll feel when we look back on what we wrote when we were younger. I went back and read some of my writings and found this. Silly high school love. We're still friends and he's a great person but looking back now, we wouldn't work. It's sort of choppy but I was just writing how I felt and didn't really care about writing coherently.

Lol at everyone's take on the Nigerian terrorist. Much have been said and I don't really have much to add just a sad and terrible situation overall.

15 comments:

  1. Hmmm... You could've written this about me and had me fooled. Emotions can be such a pain sometimes. At least you guys remained friends...

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  2. exactly at least you're still friends

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  3. deep...sad.. i could be a romantic and say, it best described what i lived not long ago.. i'm glad you don't feel the same way.. gives me hope... now, living in the present,... i'd say... i've got some posts you should read..
    FREE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS
    www.askchacha4free.blogspot.com

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  4. So much emotions there and you guyz are still friends. Umm suru dear is there something you are not telling us..lol

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  5. lol, it definitely reads like something from when you were young...good to know you are still friends though

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  6. Maybe something will still develop? It's the start of new year = new beginnings..

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  7. lol, it's always interesting to read things after time has passed.

    Colbie Caillat's "realize" was playing as I read it.

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  8. My World - Yes those days even though that wasn't too long ago for me lol
    miss.fab - at least something good came out of that
    Cerebrally Busy - yeah we're still friends
    2cute4u - stay hopeful lol and I'll def read your posts
    BSNC - lol I mean the title is always lol so I don't know if the feelings will ever be completely gone but it's def more of a friends thing now
    neefemi - lol yeah it does thanks for reading :)
    Myne Whitman - I hope not! new year = new beginnings with new guys lol
    TayneMent - aww that's a beautiful and fitting song for this post

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  9. its so much fun for me to go back and read stuff i wrote years ago.
    hope you have a nice new year.
    current listen: leAnn Rimes- some say love.

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  10. LOL!
    suru, na so?
    lol...you just put a loud grin on my face :)
    have a wonderful rest of the year!

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  11. lol
    i think i am in the state of mind you were in where when you wrote this
    I love your blog
    Thanks for dropping by dearie
    xoxo

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  12. @leggy thanks! I haven't heard that song before so I'll listen to it now
    @David I'm glad I can do that lol
    @sweetness aww well thank you also

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  13. May this year be a better one. Have a wonderful year ahead!

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  14. mmh, sounds so "sweet-sixteen-ish". :)

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