Monday, January 3, 2011

Stuck With Me

No doubt the two biggest part of my year was coping with death and meeting a new guy. This I tell you is a bad combination even in the best cases. When you lose someone there is that hole in your heart/life. You feel that you are missing something or someone. You feel a lot of pain and you just want that pain gone. You become vulnerable; you become hurt, upset, sad and other emotions that are associated with grieving. There is a big reason that they say when someone dies or when you just get out of a divorce you shouldn’t jump right into dating. It’s because you need time to yourself. You need time to heal and you need time to let yourself go through all those emotions and learn that you are fine. That you are fine by yourself and although having someone there is amazing, you can also stand on your own. Not surprising, I’m not the best griever not that there is a best way to grieve. I would not say I grieved in the worst way but I grieved pretty badly. I didn’t grieve. Not surprising, I didn’t give myself time to let my emotions show. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to look at it as if nothing has to change and life just has to stay normal. I didn’t talk about it enough. How could I not talk about something so major and life changing with the people around me? I didn’t grieve. What made it worse was that I met someone and that made it even easier for someone like me who already didn’t want to acknowledge my situation to not. Meeting him gave me something to be excited about in a time when I was not that excited about much. I became so open to him so quickly. I told him things about me that I normally would not have told someone I just met. It became my gateway to excitement. I’ve met a lot of great people in my life so it wasn’t because I met someone great. He just happened to come at a time when I felt empty and he filled that emptiness. That wasn’t his hole to fill though. When we lose people, no one else can replace them we just learn to move on. By him sort of filling in and taking away some of that pain, I got attached to him more than I should have. He’s a great guy but for a guy who didn’t even show me as much affection and didn’t even want the same things I wanted, I normally would not have gotten so attached. Now he is no longer mine not that he was ever really all mine but now he has moved on. Now that hole he was filling has gotten so much bigger and in many ways I now have to grieve doubly. I’m learning to take things slow and realize that even though I like to be strong. Even though I hate to be that girl that’s hurt over a guy, that’s just what I have to be right now. It doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t make me pathetic. In fact it makes me human. I’m learning to let go of all the mistakes I made with him such as not letting him go sooner. I realize now that it’s not my fault that he wasn’t open-minded enough to me. I’m ready to move on but this time I’ll let that happen slowly. And I will tell myself that no it does not make me pathetic. It means that I am human and I was vulnerable and a little unlucky on my part, that I met someone that did not want the same things I wanted. It bothers me that he wasn’t open-minded enough to some ideas but I just have to remember that the only person you can change is yourself.
In 2011, I hope I get back to myself again. Meaning, I pray to have been healed from the death and to have moved on from him. I know that if these two things happen well then everything else will fall into place with how I handled things before 2010. If a new guy comes along I will handle it and have the right mindset as I did before. This time I’ll make better decisions and stick to it.

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